More Than “How Was School?”—Creating Meaningful Check-Ins With Young People

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Adults often ask young people questions like “How was school?” or “Did you finish your homework?” These questions are understandable, but they often produce one-word answers and focus more on performance than emotional well-being.

A meaningful check-in communicates that the young person matters beyond grades, behavior, activities, or accomplishments. It provides a regular opportunity to talk about stress before it becomes a crisis.

Parents and other trusted adults can begin by selecting a calm time when no one is rushing or already upset. Instead of asking only broad questions, try:

• What felt good this week?

• What felt difficult or exhausting?

• Did anything happen that you cannot stop thinking about?

• When did you feel most like yourself?

• Is there something you wish an adult understood?

• Do you want me to listen, help you solve it, or both?

  
  

Young people should also be allowed to communicate in ways that work for them. A child or teenager may find it easier to write, text, draw, select words from an emotion chart, or talk while riding in the car. This flexibility may be especially important for young people with ADHD, dyslexia, dysgraphia, anxiety, or executive-functioning challenges.

Adults should pay attention to significant changes in behavior, including withdrawal, hopelessness, extreme mood changes, giving away important belongings, dangerous risk-taking, and substantial changes in sleeping or eating. These signs do not automatically mean a person is suicidal, but new or worsening changes deserve compassionate attention. NIMH identifies these and other behaviors as potential warning signs.

If you are concerned, ask directly: “Are you thinking about suicide?” Research summarized by NIMH indicates that asking this question does not increase suicidal thoughts or behavior. Listen without judgment, stay with the person, reduce access to potentially lethal items when it is safe to do so, and connect the person with qualified assistance. NIMH recommends five actions: Ask, Be There, Help Keep Them Safe, Help Them Connect, and Follow Up.

The goal is not to conduct one perfect conversation. It is to build a relationship in which a young person knows that honesty will be met with care rather than shame or punishment.

If you or someone you know needs crisis support, call or text 988 or visit 988Lifeline.org.

Call 911 in an immediate, life-threatening emergency.